(Please wait to load.)
What a Difference a Century Makes...
32 Things You Might Not Have Known
In the summer of 1900...
The average life expectancy in the United States was 47.
Only 14% of the homes in the United States had a bathtub.
Only 8% of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.
There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populated state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour. The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
More than 95% of all births in the United States took place at home.
90% of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were 14 cents a dozen. Coffee cost 15 cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo
The five leading causes of death in the US were
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. TB
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30. The remote desert community was inhabited by only a handful of ranchers and their families.
Plutonium, insulin, and antibiotics hadn't been discovered yet. Scotch tape, crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
One in 10 US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6% of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Michael, 14
3. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
4. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13
5. Never *** on an electric fence. - Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13
7. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14
10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers. - Mitchell, 12
11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. - Andrew, 9
12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9
14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. - Kellie, 11
15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, 15
16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9
17. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileese
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian
any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Oil Changing Instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3)15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent: $20.00 for oil change $1.00 for coffee
Total = $21.00
Oil Change instructions
for Men:
1) Go to O' Reillys auto parts and write a check
for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty Litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in her overabundant chest.
35) Beer
36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
flow.
37) Beer.
38) Beer.
39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
40) Beer.
41) Lower car from jack stands.
42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
44) Beer.
45) Test drive car.
46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
47) Car gets impounded.
48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
Money spent: $50.00 parts
$25.00 beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands
$1,000.00 Bail
$200.00 Impound and towing fee Total = $1350.00
and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you
that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years
of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"
the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm
sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in
Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the
phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts,
"I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately,
and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting
divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs
up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying
their own fares . Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"
Back to top
A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is
about to shoot when he
hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't
see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the
cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the
man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the
best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.
" They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man
asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."
Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man
figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss
Me." He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,
your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room. So help me God
or my name is not
William Jefferson Clinton."
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored
in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been
working on a computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand
her at all.
MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.
APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Back to top
New Illness--AAADD
A new disease!!!--------------------
I just wanted to let you know that I have recently
been diagnosed with AAADD, and I can't get anything
done!
Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
This is how it goes...I decide to do the laundry,
start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the
table. OK, I'm going to do the laundry...BUT FIRST
I'm going to read the newspaper. After that, I
notice the mail on the table. OK, I'll just put the
newspaper in the recycle stack....
BUT FIRST I'll look through the pile of mail and see
if there are any bills to be paid. Yes. Now where is
the checkbook? Oops.. there's the empty glass from
yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for
that checkbook...
BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. I head
for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor
flowers need a drink of water. I put the glass in the
sink and there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen
counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it
away...
BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for the
door and... Aaaagh! stepped on the cat. Cat needs to
be fed. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the
plants...
BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat.
END OF DAY:
Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the
floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid,
checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote
control... And, when I try to figure out how
come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because...
I
KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!
I realize this condition is serious...I'd get
help...
BUT FIRST...I think I'll check my e-mail
...........
1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself. YUCK!
3 . The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate. Know any people like that?
6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.
8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur," a small red car can be seen in the distance.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily!
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple, and silver.
14. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan." There was never a recorded Wendy before.
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. Who was the sadist who discovered this??
17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."
19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat wife your with anything wider than your thumb.
21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand. GOOD FACT TO REMEMBER??
24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson."
28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing.
29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!!
YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY!!